Ghosting - An Ineffectual Way to Communicate

Ghosting. This word is generally used in conjunction with dating, although it can apply to any relationship. Ghosting is the art of terminating a relationship with a friend or acquaintance, or even family, with no explanation and no apology, a wall of masterful silence: calls go unanswered, emails get no response, texts are deleted. When we think of ghosting, we now think of Meghan Markle and her apparent psychosis in pretending that life before Harry never happened. She was an orphan with only a mother to take care of her. She never married and divorced. She wasn't on a second-rate game show.  But, her edifice is starting to crumble and fall because no foundation built on lies can stand for long.    

I refuse to ghost people for the simple fact - it's manipulative behavior. We've all been ghosted at some point or another, but I'd rather take the time to talk things out, adult like, without blaming or justifying nor seeking revenge. Isn't it worth it if you have history? And if you don't have history together, there is even less point for ghosting. You went on a date, or a few dates, there was no click, a 'thanks but no thanks' is a courteous way to say adieu and if you are hurt by that, you will soon get over it. Ghosting is sometimes not deliberate ghosting, but simply bad manners. Shitty behavior is the new normal. I also refuse to ghost because I know what it feels like. I was ghosted by a person who couldn't have been closer to me and more of a mainstay in my life:  my mother.

Yes, I was ghosted by my mother. I was living at home when she ghosted me, so how could that be called ghosting? Try living with a person who pretends you're not there. I saw her everyday, but I was unacknowledged. At the age of 13, my mother opened the door to my room while I was playing my accordion and for some reason I can't remember she said 'I'm washing my hands of you, you're on your own,' and closed the door again. I'll never forget those words and if I thought she didn't mean it, I soon found out she did.

From that day on until I moved out at 16, she pretended I didn't exist. There was no good morning, no good afternoon and no goodnight, no questions about school, no questions about where I was going, who I was with, or what I was doing. If I was in the room with her, there was only silence. She ignored me and she was good at it. The only time we spoke, we quarreled. If I brought friends home from school, I told them to ignore my mother because she wouldn't talk to them, either. I didn't think to question her about this situation, we weren't a family that discussed our issues.

I erected a brave insouciance, a defiant defense, she wouldn't get to me, I didn't care. But inside, over the next 3 years, it took its toll. I felt unwanted, unloved and unhappy, a deep chasm of doubt that filled with bad choices which solidified my lack of worth, an unworthiness that affected my life at school and was a backdrop to my future relationships with both male and female and further, unconsciously drew to me those who would confirm to me my deep sense of unworthiness. These hardened defense structures set me back years and took years to understand and deconstruct. What a waste. A silly expression comes to mind:   I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the past - but perhaps I could have been more with a positive past.

So the next time you would ghost someone, think not of yourself, but of others, the sadness they may have experienced, the forces that created the personality, the influences and painful experiences in their lives. Of course, it's not all this simple. Are they a negative or positive force for change? Only you can make that decision, but sometimes, you'll not only discover compassion to forgive yourself, but others, and the cracks in personality that we all have. Keep in mind - a ghoster is transparent, without substance or form.

Trifling Ted Talks

Ted Talks, a media organization created in 1984 by Richard Wurman, is a platform for scientists, sociologists and other professionals to share their ideas and discoveries in the fields of technology, education and design.  Since its original inception, Ted Talks has grown into a phenomenon shared around the world.  In over 100 languages, Ted Talks now covers material from health to entertainment and science to psychology, and today, anyone can create their own Ted Talks.

Some of the topics covered in Ted Talks include My Stroke of Insight, The Skill of Self-Confidence, Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are, Why Some of Us Don't Have One True Calling and  Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Today, there appears to be a greater need than ever to understand ourselves and unpuzzle our environment. The talks are meant to educate, inspire and encourage the average yokum, delineate his angst and damp it down in a pre-apocalyptic world of greed and suffering, an emergency kit of psychological memes designed to assist Joe the Plumber make sense of it all. And according to journalist Martin Robbins, 'every talk is awesome and inspirational and ideas aren't supposed to be challenged.'

The set design for each discussion is identical: a stage with one chair, a table, a projector screen and a computer for the power point presentation.  One speaker, Shame Researcher Brene Brown, took the stage to discuss Vulnerability in the Workplace. After listing her degrees, qualifying her insights, she cited her lengthy data sheets on vulnerability, collected over four years. In a nutshell, it turns out that successful people 'aren't afraid to say I love you first,' whether accepted or not. Earth-moving science. The results of her study brought Brene to an emotional breakdown, closing her books and seeking out a therapist when she was confronted with the reality of what it was going to take to live a wholehearted life and make sense of the collective determinations on vulnerability as observed through the lives of her successful 'vulnerable' candidates. The disconnect with this Ted Talk was that while relating this story, peals of laughter were coming from the audience.

Brown's conclusions on vulnerability and success are a knitted collection of reformulated ideas from the last four decades, simplistic formulas for gaining success, status and popularity, the Chicken Soup for the Soul philosophy that today passes for serious discussion.

Most Ted Talks don't delve too deeply into subjects such as poverty and homelessness and the corporate reasons for social disassociation and anomie. These discussions, as seen through the titles above, are fluffy pep talks aimed to cheer us, to define our depression and to subliminally guide us in accepting our rote, under-paid jobs. We must look within, fix ourselves, we're the problem, don't look too far to where the real problems may lie.

Ted Talks fills a void. Not many people understand the affects on their life in a world given over to little critical thought and no meaningful introspection. We are overworked, tired and crippled with debt, with little free time to review, let alone think, about critical issues. Television gives us false hope to feed into our wants and needs, and false and unimportant news to clarify the global muddle for the ignorant, along with a bottomless pit of triviality in the form of reality shows and sports to keep us occupied. There is scant analysis of important topics and those who do ask intelligent questions are marginalized or labelled a 'conspiracy theorist.'  What are we to be as elected leaders and corporate raiders pillage and destroy the planet?  Individuals whose only thoughts are of themselves and the bottom line - profits.

Here's a new study on vulnerability - the man who is laid off and has a wife and three kids to feed and educate and no further source of income. Or the single mother working three part-time minimum wage jobs in order to put herself through school. Or the mother who has lost three children to a drug epidemic and no money to pay for the burials.  Brene:  How about a less trivial study on vulnerability?