Ghosting - An Ineffectual Way to Communicate

Ghosting. This word is generally used in conjunction with dating, although it can apply to any relationship. Ghosting is the art of terminating a relationship with a friend or acquaintance, or even family, with no explanation and no apology, a wall of masterful silence: calls go unanswered, emails get no response, texts are deleted. When we think of ghosting, we now think of Meghan Markle and her apparent psychosis in pretending that life before Harry never happened. She was an orphan with only a mother to take care of her. She never married and divorced. She wasn't on a second-rate game show.  But, her edifice is starting to crumble and fall because no foundation built on lies can stand for long.    

I refuse to ghost people for the simple fact - it's manipulative behavior. We've all been ghosted at some point or another, but I'd rather take the time to talk things out, adult like, without blaming or justifying nor seeking revenge. Isn't it worth it if you have history? And if you don't have history together, there is even less point for ghosting. You went on a date, or a few dates, there was no click, a 'thanks but no thanks' is a courteous way to say adieu and if you are hurt by that, you will soon get over it. Ghosting is sometimes not deliberate ghosting, but simply bad manners. Shitty behavior is the new normal. I also refuse to ghost because I know what it feels like. I was ghosted by a person who couldn't have been closer to me and more of a mainstay in my life:  my mother.

Yes, I was ghosted by my mother. I was living at home when she ghosted me, so how could that be called ghosting? Try living with a person who pretends you're not there. I saw her everyday, but I was unacknowledged. At the age of 13, my mother opened the door to my room while I was playing my accordion and for some reason I can't remember she said 'I'm washing my hands of you, you're on your own,' and closed the door again. I'll never forget those words and if I thought she didn't mean it, I soon found out she did.

From that day on until I moved out at 16, she pretended I didn't exist. There was no good morning, no good afternoon and no goodnight, no questions about school, no questions about where I was going, who I was with, or what I was doing. If I was in the room with her, there was only silence. She ignored me and she was good at it. The only time we spoke, we quarreled. If I brought friends home from school, I told them to ignore my mother because she wouldn't talk to them, either. I didn't think to question her about this situation, we weren't a family that discussed our issues.

I erected a brave insouciance, a defiant defense, she wouldn't get to me, I didn't care. But inside, over the next 3 years, it took its toll. I felt unwanted, unloved and unhappy, a deep chasm of doubt that filled with bad choices which solidified my lack of worth, an unworthiness that affected my life at school and was a backdrop to my future relationships with both male and female and further, unconsciously drew to me those who would confirm to me my deep sense of unworthiness. These hardened defense structures set me back years and took years to understand and deconstruct. What a waste. A silly expression comes to mind:   I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for the past - but perhaps I could have been more with a positive past.

So the next time you would ghost someone, think not of yourself, but of others, the sadness they may have experienced, the forces that created the personality, the influences and painful experiences in their lives. Of course, it's not all this simple. Are they a negative or positive force for change? Only you can make that decision, but sometimes, you'll not only discover compassion to forgive yourself, but others, and the cracks in personality that we all have. Keep in mind - a ghoster is transparent, without substance or form.