Three Solid Rules to Great Parenting

 

 

 

See the birds in the sky, how they fly, thousands of them, identical in color, shape, mind, an assemblage flying with the wind then poof, swooping off in unison. How has that consciousness been communicated? Who directed them of a mind to swoop and dive? As above, so below. Fish perform the same burlesque. Nature flows as one, the water, trees, the clouds. Nature is cohesive and knows itself. 

Humans are different. Not of one mind, we're a clashing, heaving mob spinning in our personal orbit, oblivious of other, a billion random thoughts, opinions and emotions - an expanding consumer horde. Crossing over the River Lethe, there may yet be little left of the planet for humanity to inherit, but we still have to nurture and train our children for their future. So here are three important pointers about child-rearing I would like to pass on, little gems that could possibly help the perplexed because for us, unlike the birds, we have no innate knowledge of how to raise our young. 

Rule #1

Teach your children how to clean. This may be the most important thing you ever teach your child and will save you hours of arguing, cajoling and threatening once they become teenagers. The moment your child's fingers can grasp a broom handle or a dish cloth, get him or her involved in clean-up around the house. Make it fun. Let them do the dishes, even if they do them badly. Let them dust the furniture, even if they leave streaks. Dance around to music as you help them clean. Get out the vacuum cleaner and let them play with it, turn it off and on, show them the spare parts. Most of all, make clean-up a weekly chore that you chalk in on the To Do List. Children need to learn about dirt and dust and cleaning up, even more so if you ever want them to help around the house. Here's why:

When I was growing up, my family had a cleaning lady who came once a week. I never cleaned and I was never asked to clean; dirt wasn't on my radar. So when my mother blew into my room one day when I was 15 years old and said 'the cleaning lady is not doing your room anymore, it's time you did it yourself,' I shrugged. All of a sudden I'm a janitor? My sheets turned gray. A thick layer of sticky dust coated my dresser and night table. And finding my socks under my bed one day, the grit and hairy dust balls attached to them were blown off. Soon, when I moved out to share an apartment with a friend, cleaning was never an issue. Upon moving, when we saw the grit and dirt and rolling balls of dust captured in our bedroom cupboard under the shoes, clothing, boxes and piled up crap we had thrown in there, we collapsed backwards on to our beds in laughter.

Rule #2

Don't give or loan money. Not only so your child will not be dependent on you once they've moved out, but mostly so money will never become an issue between you. Children should learn to value earning money. An allowance for chores, perhaps. An address on the value of saving money, of course. Mowing lawns, delivering newspapers, babysitting, a part-time job - these are all ways that your children can learn to make money for themselves and feel pride. It teaches them to liaison with others and earn for themselves rather than depend on you for money. Here's what can happen:

I had friends who had a son who continually asked his parents for money for rent, clothing, school, moving expenses and groceries. They sent their son hundreds of dollars, if not thousands, every year for years. And every time he wanted money, the parents sent him some. They felt they HAD to help him, an obligation as parents. However, one day I heard the son on the phone screaming at his horrified mother. 'If I had a kid I'd help them as much as I could! You never help me! You've never helped me!'  Evidently, she had turned down a request for money. I was surprised at the invective, the severe tongue-lashing at two people who had done everything for their son, but perhaps they hadn't. It became clear why the parents sent money. Fear, intimidation and guilt. A lesson that no matter how much money you send your kids, it's never going to be enough to make up for all the things you should or should not have done as a parent. 

Rule #3   

Kick your kids out when they become rubbishy adults. There's no excuse for letting your adult children take over the house if they can work and take care of themselves. Some adult children don't pay rent, borrow money and never learn to clean. If that's a fate you allow in your home, you're deserving of it. Adult children, like birds dropping out of a nest to fly or smack the ground, need to learn how to fend for themselves and not rely on their parents. Here's a good reason why: 

I went to high school with a fellow that I remained friends with for years after graduation. While all of our friends moved into their own apartments, went to college, got married, bought homes and had families, he remained at home with his parents until they finally died in their mid-90s. Even after, he continued living in the basement and sleeping in the same room he'd had as a 12-year-old. He kept the same job as an undertaker at a 4th-tier graveyard his whole life and at the age of 55, Mike was still an adolescent rolling joints in the basement of his parents' home. Hopelessly immature, it was only discovered later he had been afraid of moving out. If his parents had known about Rule #3, they would have kicked his butt out, fears or no, and he might have grown up to become an adult. 

Don't let your kids get the best of you, try to make the best of them.