String Implants

Elizabeth Starr, a porn star and mother of two, is suffering today for the two huge mistakes she made in 1999:  In order to further her career in porning, she agreed to the latest in breast implant operations. The string implant, an invention of Dr. Gerald Johnson, is a procedure which has since been banned by the FDA. Within days of the operation, Starr was experiencing excruciating pain and, since her first operation, has had a staggering sixty plus operations to try and resolve the problems in her right breast. Doctors have now warned that if she does not have a double mastectomy, she may die. However, she is loathe to do so as she says she won't have a means to support herself if she does have them removed. Well, if you're dead Liz, you won't have to worry about that anymore.


Most of the women who get these type of implants are in the porn industry, such as Maxi Mounds, seen below posing in her pink and white bikini. The women in the photo above look deformed, with nipples that head off into different directions like the eyes on some kind of sea monster. I don't imagine that any man would find these women attractive. No wait, some men would.

The implants consist of wool-like polypropylene fibers (or strings) which slowly absorb water. These strings act as an irritant to the implant pocket which causes the production of serum, which in turn fills the implant pocket on a continual basis resulting in the expansion of the breast. The growth of the breast is only relieved by the removal, by syringe, of the serum. However, one problem is that breasts can inflate at different rates. The result of this operation is that breasts will continue to grow and grow and grow, resulting in ridiculously large breasts.

The horror of string implants is that they are made from polypropylene, a thermoplastic polymer used in the manufacture of ropes, thermal underwear, carpets, stationery, plastic parts, reusable containers of various types, laboratory equipment, loudspeakers, automotive components, and polymer banknotes, just the kind of goo you want to nourish your body.

If somebody asked you if you wanted this stuff wrapped around your muscle fiber, even if it enhanced your 'career' five-fold and triple-digited your bank account, would anybody in their right mind agree? I'll never understand breast implants, except after a mastectomy. It's just sheer lunacy, not to mention a gross mutilation of one's body.

No, this picture of Chelsea Charms, an exotic dancer, is not photo-shopped. This woman has the largest breasts in the world coming in at a whopping 164XXX. Their names? Itsy and Bitsy. Chelsea's breasts are still growing at a rate of one inch per month and each one weighs the same as two large watermelons, a result of which she has to do special exercises in order to hold herself in an upright position. She also has trouble eating, sleeping and fitting into airline toilets. Eventually, she says, she's going to have them removed. However, an operation of this sort is not like removing a silicone implant; the polypropylene strings wind themselves right into the fabric of the muscle. I can't imagine the skin on her chest once those wild horses are out of there. Here's another name for your breasts Chelsea: Stupid and Stupider.

Too Many Choices

Do they all do the same thing?

It's no wonder we're confused and anxious in today's world: we have too many choices. I become wracked with indecision when I go to the grocer and see the shampoos I can choose from, which also carries my anxiety through to toothpaste, soap, laundry detergent, toilet paper, food and every other necessity I need to sustain life. And besides having to make further decisions with refrigerators, stoves, computers and everything else, nothing is made to last for very long. Planned obsolescence. Should we really be surprised that every landfill around the world is full to over-flowing with junk? 

I stayed with my brother-in-law for a few months after my sister died. I enjoyed being in the fresh air out in the country; he was 10 miles outside of Kingston. However, like most people who own a lawn, he was maniacally enslaved to cutting it once a week and though my sister was now part of the garden, his 39 years of marital conditioning, or rather, his innate ability to take orders from a woman, compelled him to continue mowing it once a week. Watching him as he sweat in the midday sun, I would sympathetically pass him out a beer as he swooped around the front of the house. I convinced him to let the damn grass grow a little longer, but guilt drives us more than wisdom and soon enough he would be back out there, my sister's ghost driving him to mow the lawn and tend to the garden. Old habits are impossible to crush, unless you re-marry and move, which he finally did.

My brother-in-law drove me crazy with his lawn mower, but even worse was the neighbor, who drove me crazy with all the noise from his power tools. He almost ruined the summer. It made me wonder....

Since when did taking care of lawns become so complicated? What happened to good old tools like shovels, clippers, rakes and hoes? It's hard to enjoy summer anymore, the wind through the trees has been obliterated by the whirring of lawnmowers, edgers, chainsaws, trimmers, or weeders, or some other piece of equipment. Take a look at all the machinery that we need just to get the seeds in, keep the grass down, keep out the weeds and drive our old-fashioned neighbors to the mad house.

If you’re putting in a new lawn, there are sod cutters, turf slitters, square turf doctors, sod pluggers, along with turf transplanters, hexagon turf doctors and hex pluggers to help you get started. After that you’ll need seed slotters, portabel seeders and spreaders, or, large capacity hand spreaders.

That takes care of the lawn. But if you want to do the edge of your lawn you’ll need lawn edgers and trenching tools, or the dual wheel grass edgers and curved trimming scissors, just to keep the unruly in their place.

Overkill

How many different ways are there to get rid of weeds? There are weed torches that use propane and weed dragons for spot weeding, a rocket weeder and a super weeder (so I don’t have to bend over because I might get a kick in the ass). Then there’s a weeding brush which “paints” out weeds. How do I paint out a weed? And what color do I paint it? But if you don’t want to paint it out you can always burn it out with the green steam weed killer. If that doesn't fix the bastards there are weed twisters, weed applicator weeders, weeding brushes, weed rollers with no-drift applicators, weed torches, and infra-weeder eliminators.

Will the weeds come back? If they try, you’ve got the weed twister that pushes, twists or pulls them out by their neck straight out of the ground. Or if that doesn’t work, there’s the electro-weed killer that doesn’t use chemicals gas or propane, it uses electricity to thrash the weed out of the ground by heating the root and the root crown, leaving the weed to kill it. And finally, the real big cheese of the garden is the gutsy weeder that stabs and cleanly mutilates weeds with a 3” carbon steel blade angled to slice off their heads as it plows in with the inside edge. These tools sound like assault weapons. 

For those who still like to use chemicals (cause let’s face it chemicals really do the trick) there’s the weed ‘no drift’ applicator which makes short work of your herbicide application and eliminates spray drift which can poison your neighbors. Drive them insane with the noise, but don’t gas them.

Next - the rakes. There are screening rakes, beach rakes, duel-purpose rakes, field rakes, deluxe ground rakes, super leaf rakes, shrub rakes, spot rakes and snow roof rakes, bunker and sand debris rakes, spring brace rakes, de-thatching rakes (one prong and four prong), professional landscape rakes, pro-turf lute rakes with a 66” handle and for all the golfers – sand trap rakes, surface lake rakes and yes, finally, your basic clean-up rake.

For all those who don’t have enough tools in the shed, you’ve got accessories: utility movers, utility wagons, e-z reachers for the yard, deck flossers, lawn garden carts, water brooms, garden bags and folding utility carts.

For all those special jobs there are eradication spray systems, compost aerators, pond balance algae, plant caddies, heavy duty wheel locks, boot wheel locks, garden water filtration systems, horticultural sprayers, slug pots, a compost tea brewer and the compost tea catalyst.

The lawn mower, the dullest tool in the shed, is now the electric mower, the robotic mower, the reel mower, the lawn stripper and the cordless mower.

If you’re into landscaping, there are brush cutters, electric chain saws, grass trimmers, hedge and branch trimmers, lawn edgers, leaf blowers, leaf sweepers, rakes and de-thatchers, tree pruners and push sweepers. What’s a push sweeper? Is that what they used to call a broom?

And then, the final tool in the shed, the grass trimmer. How many different kinds of grass trimmers do you need? Evidently – lots. There’s the straight shaft gas, curved shaft gas, 4-stroke trimmer/blower, 12-inch lithium-ion trimmer, electric or cordless, the electric string trimmer, electric lawn edger, the 15-in electric grass trimmer, an 18-inch straight shaft gas and the 10-inch cordless grass trimmer. There’s the 16-inch feather light curved, and the 17-inch straight and then the 17-inch curved shaft gas, followed by the 4-stroke trimmer blower. What about the 14-inch electric grass trimmer, 13-in electric string trimmer or the electric lawn edger?

All this mojo is just for the lawn. Since when did we need so many tools to help us dig a hole, plant seeds, cover them with dirt, add some water and tear out a few weeds? We've got too many choices in life. Let's cut down on the crap we buy and send to the landfills because they're getting a little full.